so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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