fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
