I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
