I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
