I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
