The maid of honor just puked.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
