It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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