after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
