She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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