I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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