The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
