Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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