They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
