I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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