im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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