Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
