i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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