All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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