dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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