Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
