dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
