So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
