New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
