I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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