Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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