I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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