I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
