Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
