the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
