Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They have beer where we have blood.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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