i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
