Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
