I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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