I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
