i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
