I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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