What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
