Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
