Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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