i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
