can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
