So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
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