that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
