i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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