Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
