I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
