I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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