I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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