There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
