How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
